forgiveness

I was told today that I can choose to forgive with either hate and resentment, or love and compassion. What a thought. That I could actually choose how I forgive someone. I have been working on my compassion, but maybe I need to work harder.

com·pas·sion

   [kuhm-pash-uhn]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who isstricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire toalleviate the suffering.

I definitely need to work harder. I need, maybe, to take a step back from this sorrow I feel, and realize that others are also feeling sorrow. Even, if they have caused me unmanagable pain and hurt, there is a time when I must forgive them. I will try to make a more conscience effort, to do so with love and compassion.


We will get through this, as long as we do so together. Though right now my world is shaken, it will not shatter, as long as I am being supported, and supporting the people I love.

Christmas Time is near

Christmas is my very favorite time of year. The hustle, the bustle, the shopping, baking, wrapping.. everything. Yet year after year it has become something I increasingly dread.I would put hours into decorating my tree and my home into a model showcase of classic perfection. I wouldn't even let my children help. I wanted it perfect. If nothing else was perfect, my decorations would be. My family would be falling apart, but I would portray the model housewife. The cards, the crafts, everything. Everything that I would ruin trying to make it perfect trying to make up for the obvious imperfection of our family dynamics. I'd think 'what will happen THIS year.'

This will be our first Christmas in sobriety. For the first time, my 3 and 5 year olds decorated the Christmas tree without any interference from me. I let them play with the holiday village. I let them enjoy this season. I have been working so hard in AFG that I think 'How important is it' and 'Live and let live'. However, living with an alcoholic so long has made me cower in 'what ifs'. After a conversation with my Alcoholic tonight, he said 'I can't even have a Christmas drink' All the what ifs came right back, despite working my own program for 7 months. I have been dealing with issues the last week, and this.. I needed my meeting.

At my meeting I, true to form, was presented with the usual 'what you need to hear right this minute' meeting. Before It was my turn to speak, I heard from a woman who had said, quite simply 'An alcoholic drinks' well yeah, of course, that's why I'm here in he first place. I thought about it more. His sobriety is his to deal with, squander or cherish.

As long as can keep my head out of the future, and live for today, work on ME for today, I won't need to rearrange the tree. I won't need to put the village up. I won't need to ruin everything I try so hard to give my children. And drinking or not, my husband won't be ruining this holiday either, because I have a program. Hopefully he won't be drinking, and attending meetings, but regardless.. I will be, and I'll be doing just fine.

Lost

I'm feeling lost at the moment. A sea of unresolve in my head, a path of the same in front me. Nothing gets accomplished when you're 50% mad all the time. I haven't worked through the hurt, the pain, the agony. I don't think i can, at least not in this environment of 'smiles on'. I don't know what to do. for now, ill keep my smile on and my mouth closed until I can figure out a way to work it out. I'm failing. I'm falling.

Another day, another meeting. They say it will get easier, but when? And, how many more times will I have to question my progress and start all over again? Oh, that's right, I'm not supposed to ask things of my HP. I'm supposed to just take it as it comes.. well.. smiles on, I guess.

what control?

I can't control what you do.
I can't control what you think.
I can't control anything.

I can't control how I am perceived.
I can't control how people act towards me.

I can control how I act, how I think.
I can control how I treat others, and how I perceive others.

I don't know how to take the former, and rise above when applying the latter.


How do the steps apply, when my heart hurts, but I wear a smile. I can't control my emotions, but I can control my demeanor.. somehow I don't feel im doing any justice to myself.. obviously, I have failed at alanon.  6 months exactly and I feel like im no better off.

Back to 1.

I knew something was coming. I felt it. I even said 'Every time we build trust, something happens and its gone'

Something happened.

What do i do now that I have the information? I feel like I'm back to step one. I choked the step out at the meeting tonight. I feel so sad and upset, and angered by the thought that the months I have spent working my way up the steps seems to have been wasted time, since I apparently can't grasp that I can't control things.

I'm sad, and disheartened. Maybe its a lesson in having expectations of others. Is there ever an instance where you can learn this lesson and not be left angry, bitter and lonely? perhaps not.

today

Today was horrible and everything went wrong. But suprisingly, despite it all, I was calm. I said allowed 'Accept the things I cannot change' and 'Not everyday is supposed to be easy'

The day didn't get better, but I wasn't a horrible witch. I just have to remember the universe isn't out to get me, and even if it is.. what use is it being angry about it?

this may take a while

This post may take a few days, a few posts to feel complete.

I was never religious. Ever. It was shoved down my throat by overbearing relatives, and it became a joke.

I came into the program a broken woman, and was told to turn to a higher power to bring me back to sanity. I had to start looking at my beliefs honestly. Really seeing what I believed. My beliefs are evolving, but I've outlined what I think I think, in an earlier post.

Then Brayton died.

The sweetest , strongest little boy in all the world had passed away. Of course I was overwhelmed with a sorrow I had never felt before. I checked my facebook, only to have every single woman I know also shattered into pieces. Posts of anger, sadness and concern filled my feeds. I went about the day sobbing every time I saw the words in my mind:

'Aimee Lester - Brayton passed away at 11:30pm'

I went into a meeting about 8pm, after having some quiet reflection time. All of my sadness turned to absolute anger, even hatred for 'god'. My program tells me to 'Let go and let God'. How in the HELL am i supposed to turn my life over to a god who takes babies away from their mothers? Sweet babies, GOOD mothers.

We sat in circle and as I  was sobbing, explained to them why I was so sad, and asked them the question I had become so angry about. To my surprise, no one had an answer. Silence fell as all the members wiped away tears.

Finally one person told me that his God as he understands him, doesn't choose when people die, get sick or get better. He gives people the tools to deal with situations and make good choices. He said that he just can't live believing that God could choose one baby or another, one person or another to live or die, and its just life. Life is imperfect and we do the best with what we have been given from our own god.

fine. I don't know if I believe a word of that, but it's something..

The meeting went on and I skipped out at the end. A lady chased me down tears in her eyes, and told me she will be thinking of me, and in her beliefs, there is good and evil (or bad) and good can't win everytime, and its prayer and meditation, as well as an intervention from god that we can overcome. I thanked her and walked out.

I don't know if I can relate to that theory either. But I appreciate the sentiment.

Then as I snuggled with my very own 3 year old, I started thinking. I don't even BELIEVE in god. How can I be so angry with something I don't believe in? I don't believe any one power controls this life and everything in it, why am I so ANGRY. Maybe, am I angry with Aimee's god? Am I angry with Brayton's God? My HP isn't in charge of things like that.. maybe theirs aren't either. Maybe all the energy I'm spending on anger, I can spend on trying to be positive. Or maybe, I can be sad for a little while more, and know perfectly justified. 

Beginning to be grateful

My husband has been working. A lot. Now, I'm not used to him either going to work regularly, being offered overtime, let alone accepting it, enjoying his job, or being valued in his place of employment.

I thought I was being understanding. We need the money, so I understand he has to go to work. It doesn't make me any less irritated that he is again gone, overnight, on a job, in a hotel, for the next two days. But I understand he has to go. I caught myself thinking that old thought 'It would be so nice to just win the lottery'

In this new way of thinking.. I stopped and thought.. would it?

Would I appreciate my husband's hard work.. if he wasn't working?
Would I be thankful for the food on the table if it wasn't sacrificed for?
Would I admire my husband for providing, if it was all given to him?
Would I be able to sustain a marriage that didn't require teamwork?

Would I show pride for a lifestyle we didn't earn?

Maybe instead of wishing for the easy route, I should be more thankful for the present.

When he gets called away, we email chat like high school kids.
When he works late, we chat in the dark through sleepy eyes.
When he gets called on jobs, he feels good about himself, and projects his happiness unto others.

It is hard to have a partner whose job takes him away. It doesn't have to be easy, I'm allowed hard days, and I can want his help.This is really building a foundation that we weren't able to build for the last 5 years of our marriage. Every couple has to be their dues. We are kind of behind. It's like we stalled out at the blueprint stage, and we are just now pouring cement. So what? We are behind.. but we are now finally moving ahead.. and for the first time, we are both wearing the same colour helmet.

been a while

I haven't been to a 'good' meeting. One where you hear exactly what you needed to hear. It's true that maybe I haven't been really interested in listening lately. I have been busy, and this and that and the other tired excuse. Truth is, I've been faced with a lot of opportunity to use my tools, but not really to grow.

'..But we have lived a good life anyway'

This phrase can really put your life in perspective. Looking at your life, you can see that the little things are just that; Little.

We don't have a lot of money..
We don't drive a nice car..
I'm not the shape or size I would like to be..
My health could be better..
I'm not where I would like to be in my career..
                                                  ...But we live a good life anyway.

There is something to be said about taking responsibility for yours, and letting go of everyone elses. Everyone else's what? I don't think it really matters. If it isn't yours, and it doesn't matter what it is.. let it go. It will find its way to its owner. your HP and theirs as well will ensure it will.

is someone else negative? let it go. its not YOUR negativity.. let it go. When you aren't burdened with other people's whatever, you are better able to see your situation, and become grateful for what you have been given.

What happened?

When did our love for someone be measured in how much we do for them? It so often feels like we need to DO something for the people we love the most, in order for them to know we love them. I can understand that I am a people pleaser, but when did the little things I like to do, the little thoughtful bits and pieces throughout each day, become how my love is measured?

I make my husband lunch every day, for example. Is it because I want him to feel loved? Furthermore, does my husband need his wife to make his lunch, in order for him to feel the love she has for him? It's an interesting thought to think. You can't measure an emotion. When did we start trying?

When did love become not enough?

'Can you not feel my adoration of you?'  I seem to need to put myself out, inconvenience myself to prove my love for other people. I also feel that others need to see my tiring actions to ensure that I do, in fact, love them.

This is the most idiotic thing I think I have ever let happen.

The fact is, I started making my husband his lunch every day because I appreciate that he works hard, and I would like to show my appreciation by making sure he eats a nice lunch. I can have that appreciation for anyone, though. I could make a hundred lunches and deliver them to firemen and policemen, because I appreciate them too. Surely they wouldn't think I love them all.

I love my husband. I love my family. I am going to start showing my love in other ways... saying it, perhaps, feeling it more.

I think that I will be able to love them more, if I am not inconvenienced every single time I feel I have to show it. I don't think I'm very honest about my emotions.

And you know what? I think it's time I lead by example, and stop measuring other people's love in how much they do for me.

This is how i will lovingly detach from the people who need it most. Give them less of my time and energy, and give them more of my love.

No.

What a powerful word 'No' is. I'm still learning how to lovingly detach, but I'm liking 'No'. Others may not be liking it so much.

Like any spouse of an alcoholic, I have become an enabler. I lay myself down on the floor for others to walk upon, thinking I'm the most helpful doormat that there ever was, and not just with my alcoholic, but with everyone. It's how, I think, a lot of people with problem drinking in their lives become so judgmental, controlling, and self sacrificing. As my alcoholic got better and better, I was seeing less and less of my people pleasing go to him, and more and more of it to other people.

My actions didn't change with my alcoholic's change. No. It's a very powerful tool to me now. Normally, it would circle like this:

I am asked for an absurd favor.
I am angry that I have been asked such an absurd favor. I don't wan't to do this favor.
I tell asker that I don't want to do this favor, and while getting angry, I agree to do it anyway
I spend several hours angry that I am stuck doing this absurd favor.
I spend several days angry that I have done this absurd favor.

Putting it out like that makes me realize that maybe I wasn't going about my life the right way. I have been practising the following:

I am asked an absurd favor..
I say 'No'
I spend a few minutes angry about being asked such an absurd favor
Anger is quickly turned into relief, followed by pride.
I don't remember the absurd favor the next day.

This makes so much more sense. Why haven't I been doing it before. I don't need to do everything for others. I will always be there for them. I offer my love and support, but if one doesn't need my love or support, then I certainly have saved myself so much time I would have otherwise spent trying to earn it.

I can live my life all by myself, and others can live theirs just fine without me. We can be in each other's lives without having to play a integral part.


“Detachment is a means whereby we allow others the opportunity to care for themselves better.”

An interesting concept

We go about believing that there is a higher power that is responsible for us. We understand that we are not in control, and that we are to worry about the things we can change, and let go of the things that we can't. We trust that when we give control over to our higher power, peace will follow. But what about our alcoholic. Well... our alcoholic is their own higher power's respsonsibility. What a concept that is, they already have someone controling them.


Just because I don't do it, doesn't mean it's not being done.

Let live, and let god.. makes sense to me now.

Could it be?

I've spent a large part of the last couple weeks picking my character apart. Seeing myself and my actions as they really are. After a meeting last week, I realized that these were 'defects of character' outlined in step 4.

WAIT

This whole time I've been worried about how to progress through step 3. How exactly to relinquish control to another power. And now I'm all of a sudden working step 4. Could it be that the programs works when you're not intending it to? Could I have already relinquished control of my life without knowing it? Could it be all my work is paying off? Or, possibly, did I skip step 3. Am I still holding on to that control, hoping I can make progress without working step 3.

I suppose time will tell for certain.

For now, I need to work on compassion for my alcoholic. I must delve into AA meetings, for surely, mine isn't the worst.. is he?

AFG, realtime lesson

I wanted him to coach the team. I NEEDED him to coach the team. I needed my alcoholic to do something.. anything.. that fell in line with the perfect family I had built in my mind. I already didn't have a picket fence. I already didn't have the the easy life I wanted. My husband was an alcoholic. To make up for this fault in character.. he was going to be our sons soccer coach.

I'm sure the faults in this logic is already visible.

He was reluctant. He didn't want to coach. He SAID he didn't want to coach.  He didn't want the commitment. He SAID he didn't want the commitment. Luckily for me, though, I have guilt driven puppy eyes and convincing please about bettering ones self.

I did my best to do the work. I love doing this type of work. I love to organize, I love to sort and plan. I love being told I do a great job at sorting and planning.

He wouldn't make a phone call. How DARE he not make a phone call. I sit and do all this work and build rapport with the teams' parents and phone/email/text all the changes. I keep the other coaches informed, and take the constant extra work load from the other coaches' incompetence. How DARE he not make one ten minute phone call. He's the coach!!!


"He SAID he didn't want to coach."


"Hello, Bella. Its me, you're conscious mind. What did you expect? You can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. You can sign him up, and you can do all the work, but you can't MAKE him WANT to do anything. This is your lesson, Bella, to leave him to his own life. Husband, alcoholic, father, character you want him to play in your ideal life or not. If you wanted to coach the team, you should have volunteered your damn self. You don't want to coach either, you want the prestige of BEING a coach. Get your head out of your ass."


ok fine. Maybe AFG is teaching me something afterall.

learning

I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm learning that a lot of my sick behavior was nurtured into me long before i met my alcoholic. I'm seeing a lot of my imperfections.

last night at my meeting i heard 'I ask my god to allow each day to unfold as it should, and not how I would like it to'

wow. what a statement.

Who do I think I am, to demand the universe to change its course to my liking?

stuck today.

If the world isn't out to get me.. why am I taking all these misfortunes so personally?

hmm.

Why shouldn't I be leary of allowing something else have control of my life? no wonder I'm having issues with step 3.

If I've never allowed anything to have any control, how can I trust that they will do it right, that it will be done properly?


I'm going about it the wrong way.. by giving up small bits of my control at a time, I can develop a trust with my HP. Much like the trust I have time and time again built and had destroyed by my alcoholic.

little by little, I can learn to move through step three.

Easy does it.

doubt

“Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith”

makes me think im in the right place.

fear

I'm scared. Thats all.  i hope my choices are positive. Hope and faith are often found in the same sentences..

faith in attraction

At what point do you have faith that the positivity you bring for your life will pull you to make a positive, healthy choice when give a really hard choice to make? Is there a point when the law of attraction applies and you give in to the pull of positivity, or negativity? I wonder, when do you let go and allow the world to fall into place, and when you have to take an active part in controlling your own destiny? Are those two even mutually exclusive ideas? ponder, ponder..

Who is this 'God', anyway..

The second step, is 'came to believe that a higher power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity'

Being not of a religious background, I had to do some research, and speaking with other members of Al-anon. I know what I believe. I just don't know what that means, exactly..

There is no heaven or hell in my spirituality, despite what I scream out when I'm angry. The way I see it, as humans, we set forth on our travels making good and bad choices, and it's those choices we make that dictate how the world treats us. That I'm pretty certain of. So, this means I know that there is something out there giving me choices to make. To be positive, to live positive and make choices that represent the positivity, will bring about positivity in my life, and more choices that will bring about even more good in myself, my life, and the world in general.


I think I trust that if I continue to make good choices, the positive energy will lead back to a sane place in myself. Perfect.

I can handle this step. This is not god at all for me, lets for the sake of this journey call the 'Higher Powers that be' HP. And you know what else? I don't need your 'God' if my HP is doing the same kind of things.. and I can DEFINITELY live with that idea.

step 1

Yes. I suppose alcohol has made my life unmanageable. I'm not sure when that person's alcoholism started effecting me, making me this crazy, but I know I'm crazy enough to need help. I'm having a hard time looking back, trying to find exactly where I let sanity go; When did I let the standards of how a wife should be treated slip so low? When did I allow my ideals of marriage to be changed so I could rationalize staying with him. Furthermore, how I can trust my own self anymore? Are my wants really things that are in my best interest? Are the things I long for still healthy to want?


Maybe all I can do is work on myself for myself, and the way will be made clear.