Tuesday, 30 August 2011

this may take a while

This post may take a few days, a few posts to feel complete.

I was never religious. Ever. It was shoved down my throat by overbearing relatives, and it became a joke.

I came into the program a broken woman, and was told to turn to a higher power to bring me back to sanity. I had to start looking at my beliefs honestly. Really seeing what I believed. My beliefs are evolving, but I've outlined what I think I think, in an earlier post.

Then Brayton died.

The sweetest , strongest little boy in all the world had passed away. Of course I was overwhelmed with a sorrow I had never felt before. I checked my facebook, only to have every single woman I know also shattered into pieces. Posts of anger, sadness and concern filled my feeds. I went about the day sobbing every time I saw the words in my mind:

'Aimee Lester - Brayton passed away at 11:30pm'

I went into a meeting about 8pm, after having some quiet reflection time. All of my sadness turned to absolute anger, even hatred for 'god'. My program tells me to 'Let go and let God'. How in the HELL am i supposed to turn my life over to a god who takes babies away from their mothers? Sweet babies, GOOD mothers.

We sat in circle and as I  was sobbing, explained to them why I was so sad, and asked them the question I had become so angry about. To my surprise, no one had an answer. Silence fell as all the members wiped away tears.

Finally one person told me that his God as he understands him, doesn't choose when people die, get sick or get better. He gives people the tools to deal with situations and make good choices. He said that he just can't live believing that God could choose one baby or another, one person or another to live or die, and its just life. Life is imperfect and we do the best with what we have been given from our own god.

fine. I don't know if I believe a word of that, but it's something..

The meeting went on and I skipped out at the end. A lady chased me down tears in her eyes, and told me she will be thinking of me, and in her beliefs, there is good and evil (or bad) and good can't win everytime, and its prayer and meditation, as well as an intervention from god that we can overcome. I thanked her and walked out.

I don't know if I can relate to that theory either. But I appreciate the sentiment.

Then as I snuggled with my very own 3 year old, I started thinking. I don't even BELIEVE in god. How can I be so angry with something I don't believe in? I don't believe any one power controls this life and everything in it, why am I so ANGRY. Maybe, am I angry with Aimee's god? Am I angry with Brayton's God? My HP isn't in charge of things like that.. maybe theirs aren't either. Maybe all the energy I'm spending on anger, I can spend on trying to be positive. Or maybe, I can be sad for a little while more, and know perfectly justified.