No.

What a powerful word 'No' is. I'm still learning how to lovingly detach, but I'm liking 'No'. Others may not be liking it so much.

Like any spouse of an alcoholic, I have become an enabler. I lay myself down on the floor for others to walk upon, thinking I'm the most helpful doormat that there ever was, and not just with my alcoholic, but with everyone. It's how, I think, a lot of people with problem drinking in their lives become so judgmental, controlling, and self sacrificing. As my alcoholic got better and better, I was seeing less and less of my people pleasing go to him, and more and more of it to other people.

My actions didn't change with my alcoholic's change. No. It's a very powerful tool to me now. Normally, it would circle like this:

I am asked for an absurd favor.
I am angry that I have been asked such an absurd favor. I don't wan't to do this favor.
I tell asker that I don't want to do this favor, and while getting angry, I agree to do it anyway
I spend several hours angry that I am stuck doing this absurd favor.
I spend several days angry that I have done this absurd favor.

Putting it out like that makes me realize that maybe I wasn't going about my life the right way. I have been practising the following:

I am asked an absurd favor..
I say 'No'
I spend a few minutes angry about being asked such an absurd favor
Anger is quickly turned into relief, followed by pride.
I don't remember the absurd favor the next day.

This makes so much more sense. Why haven't I been doing it before. I don't need to do everything for others. I will always be there for them. I offer my love and support, but if one doesn't need my love or support, then I certainly have saved myself so much time I would have otherwise spent trying to earn it.

I can live my life all by myself, and others can live theirs just fine without me. We can be in each other's lives without having to play a integral part.


“Detachment is a means whereby we allow others the opportunity to care for themselves better.”

An interesting concept

We go about believing that there is a higher power that is responsible for us. We understand that we are not in control, and that we are to worry about the things we can change, and let go of the things that we can't. We trust that when we give control over to our higher power, peace will follow. But what about our alcoholic. Well... our alcoholic is their own higher power's respsonsibility. What a concept that is, they already have someone controling them.


Just because I don't do it, doesn't mean it's not being done.

Let live, and let god.. makes sense to me now.

Could it be?

I've spent a large part of the last couple weeks picking my character apart. Seeing myself and my actions as they really are. After a meeting last week, I realized that these were 'defects of character' outlined in step 4.

WAIT

This whole time I've been worried about how to progress through step 3. How exactly to relinquish control to another power. And now I'm all of a sudden working step 4. Could it be that the programs works when you're not intending it to? Could I have already relinquished control of my life without knowing it? Could it be all my work is paying off? Or, possibly, did I skip step 3. Am I still holding on to that control, hoping I can make progress without working step 3.

I suppose time will tell for certain.

For now, I need to work on compassion for my alcoholic. I must delve into AA meetings, for surely, mine isn't the worst.. is he?

AFG, realtime lesson

I wanted him to coach the team. I NEEDED him to coach the team. I needed my alcoholic to do something.. anything.. that fell in line with the perfect family I had built in my mind. I already didn't have a picket fence. I already didn't have the the easy life I wanted. My husband was an alcoholic. To make up for this fault in character.. he was going to be our sons soccer coach.

I'm sure the faults in this logic is already visible.

He was reluctant. He didn't want to coach. He SAID he didn't want to coach.  He didn't want the commitment. He SAID he didn't want the commitment. Luckily for me, though, I have guilt driven puppy eyes and convincing please about bettering ones self.

I did my best to do the work. I love doing this type of work. I love to organize, I love to sort and plan. I love being told I do a great job at sorting and planning.

He wouldn't make a phone call. How DARE he not make a phone call. I sit and do all this work and build rapport with the teams' parents and phone/email/text all the changes. I keep the other coaches informed, and take the constant extra work load from the other coaches' incompetence. How DARE he not make one ten minute phone call. He's the coach!!!


"He SAID he didn't want to coach."


"Hello, Bella. Its me, you're conscious mind. What did you expect? You can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. You can sign him up, and you can do all the work, but you can't MAKE him WANT to do anything. This is your lesson, Bella, to leave him to his own life. Husband, alcoholic, father, character you want him to play in your ideal life or not. If you wanted to coach the team, you should have volunteered your damn self. You don't want to coach either, you want the prestige of BEING a coach. Get your head out of your ass."


ok fine. Maybe AFG is teaching me something afterall.