Christmas is my very favorite time of year. The hustle, the bustle, the shopping, baking, wrapping.. everything. Yet year after year it has become something I increasingly dread.I would put hours into decorating my tree and my home into a model showcase of classic perfection. I wouldn't even let my children help. I wanted it perfect. If nothing else was perfect, my decorations would be. My family would be falling apart, but I would portray the model housewife. The cards, the crafts, everything. Everything that I would ruin trying to make it perfect trying to make up for the obvious imperfection of our family dynamics. I'd think 'what will happen THIS year.'
This will be our first Christmas in sobriety. For the first time, my 3 and 5 year olds decorated the Christmas tree without any interference from me. I let them play with the holiday village. I let them enjoy this season. I have been working so hard in AFG that I think 'How important is it' and 'Live and let live'. However, living with an alcoholic so long has made me cower in 'what ifs'. After a conversation with my Alcoholic tonight, he said 'I can't even have a Christmas drink' All the what ifs came right back, despite working my own program for 7 months. I have been dealing with issues the last week, and this.. I needed my meeting.
At my meeting I, true to form, was presented with the usual 'what you need to hear right this minute' meeting. Before It was my turn to speak, I heard from a woman who had said, quite simply 'An alcoholic drinks' well yeah, of course, that's why I'm here in he first place. I thought about it more. His sobriety is his to deal with, squander or cherish.
As long as can keep my head out of the future, and live for today, work on ME for today, I won't need to rearrange the tree. I won't need to put the village up. I won't need to ruin everything I try so hard to give my children. And drinking or not, my husband won't be ruining this holiday either, because I have a program. Hopefully he won't be drinking, and attending meetings, but regardless.. I will be, and I'll be doing just fine.
