Lost

I'm feeling lost at the moment. A sea of unresolve in my head, a path of the same in front me. Nothing gets accomplished when you're 50% mad all the time. I haven't worked through the hurt, the pain, the agony. I don't think i can, at least not in this environment of 'smiles on'. I don't know what to do. for now, ill keep my smile on and my mouth closed until I can figure out a way to work it out. I'm failing. I'm falling.

Another day, another meeting. They say it will get easier, but when? And, how many more times will I have to question my progress and start all over again? Oh, that's right, I'm not supposed to ask things of my HP. I'm supposed to just take it as it comes.. well.. smiles on, I guess.

what control?

I can't control what you do.
I can't control what you think.
I can't control anything.

I can't control how I am perceived.
I can't control how people act towards me.

I can control how I act, how I think.
I can control how I treat others, and how I perceive others.

I don't know how to take the former, and rise above when applying the latter.


How do the steps apply, when my heart hurts, but I wear a smile. I can't control my emotions, but I can control my demeanor.. somehow I don't feel im doing any justice to myself.. obviously, I have failed at alanon.  6 months exactly and I feel like im no better off.

Back to 1.

I knew something was coming. I felt it. I even said 'Every time we build trust, something happens and its gone'

Something happened.

What do i do now that I have the information? I feel like I'm back to step one. I choked the step out at the meeting tonight. I feel so sad and upset, and angered by the thought that the months I have spent working my way up the steps seems to have been wasted time, since I apparently can't grasp that I can't control things.

I'm sad, and disheartened. Maybe its a lesson in having expectations of others. Is there ever an instance where you can learn this lesson and not be left angry, bitter and lonely? perhaps not.