Welcoming myself back

Been a while since I posted, and it shows in my personal life. Truthfully, i forgot the password and the email address, and used it as an excuse to not write it out. Well, i need it write it out. I have found myself lost and confused, and it seems that i might not be working my program to its full potential. My husband no longer has a program, and he is no longer sober. I have a lot of work to do, and I am starting at facing reality. The rose coloured glasses are off, and I'm finding it hard to accept. I am finding myself lost in despair and I know I need to up my meetings, and also, to blog a whole lot more.

forgiveness

I was told today that I can choose to forgive with either hate and resentment, or love and compassion. What a thought. That I could actually choose how I forgive someone. I have been working on my compassion, but maybe I need to work harder.

com·pas·sion

   [kuhm-pash-uhn]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who isstricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire toalleviate the suffering.

I definitely need to work harder. I need, maybe, to take a step back from this sorrow I feel, and realize that others are also feeling sorrow. Even, if they have caused me unmanagable pain and hurt, there is a time when I must forgive them. I will try to make a more conscience effort, to do so with love and compassion.


We will get through this, as long as we do so together. Though right now my world is shaken, it will not shatter, as long as I am being supported, and supporting the people I love.

Christmas Time is near

Christmas is my very favorite time of year. The hustle, the bustle, the shopping, baking, wrapping.. everything. Yet year after year it has become something I increasingly dread.I would put hours into decorating my tree and my home into a model showcase of classic perfection. I wouldn't even let my children help. I wanted it perfect. If nothing else was perfect, my decorations would be. My family would be falling apart, but I would portray the model housewife. The cards, the crafts, everything. Everything that I would ruin trying to make it perfect trying to make up for the obvious imperfection of our family dynamics. I'd think 'what will happen THIS year.'

This will be our first Christmas in sobriety. For the first time, my 3 and 5 year olds decorated the Christmas tree without any interference from me. I let them play with the holiday village. I let them enjoy this season. I have been working so hard in AFG that I think 'How important is it' and 'Live and let live'. However, living with an alcoholic so long has made me cower in 'what ifs'. After a conversation with my Alcoholic tonight, he said 'I can't even have a Christmas drink' All the what ifs came right back, despite working my own program for 7 months. I have been dealing with issues the last week, and this.. I needed my meeting.

At my meeting I, true to form, was presented with the usual 'what you need to hear right this minute' meeting. Before It was my turn to speak, I heard from a woman who had said, quite simply 'An alcoholic drinks' well yeah, of course, that's why I'm here in he first place. I thought about it more. His sobriety is his to deal with, squander or cherish.

As long as can keep my head out of the future, and live for today, work on ME for today, I won't need to rearrange the tree. I won't need to put the village up. I won't need to ruin everything I try so hard to give my children. And drinking or not, my husband won't be ruining this holiday either, because I have a program. Hopefully he won't be drinking, and attending meetings, but regardless.. I will be, and I'll be doing just fine.

Lost

I'm feeling lost at the moment. A sea of unresolve in my head, a path of the same in front me. Nothing gets accomplished when you're 50% mad all the time. I haven't worked through the hurt, the pain, the agony. I don't think i can, at least not in this environment of 'smiles on'. I don't know what to do. for now, ill keep my smile on and my mouth closed until I can figure out a way to work it out. I'm failing. I'm falling.

Another day, another meeting. They say it will get easier, but when? And, how many more times will I have to question my progress and start all over again? Oh, that's right, I'm not supposed to ask things of my HP. I'm supposed to just take it as it comes.. well.. smiles on, I guess.

what control?

I can't control what you do.
I can't control what you think.
I can't control anything.

I can't control how I am perceived.
I can't control how people act towards me.

I can control how I act, how I think.
I can control how I treat others, and how I perceive others.

I don't know how to take the former, and rise above when applying the latter.


How do the steps apply, when my heart hurts, but I wear a smile. I can't control my emotions, but I can control my demeanor.. somehow I don't feel im doing any justice to myself.. obviously, I have failed at alanon.  6 months exactly and I feel like im no better off.

Back to 1.

I knew something was coming. I felt it. I even said 'Every time we build trust, something happens and its gone'

Something happened.

What do i do now that I have the information? I feel like I'm back to step one. I choked the step out at the meeting tonight. I feel so sad and upset, and angered by the thought that the months I have spent working my way up the steps seems to have been wasted time, since I apparently can't grasp that I can't control things.

I'm sad, and disheartened. Maybe its a lesson in having expectations of others. Is there ever an instance where you can learn this lesson and not be left angry, bitter and lonely? perhaps not.

today

Today was horrible and everything went wrong. But suprisingly, despite it all, I was calm. I said allowed 'Accept the things I cannot change' and 'Not everyday is supposed to be easy'

The day didn't get better, but I wasn't a horrible witch. I just have to remember the universe isn't out to get me, and even if it is.. what use is it being angry about it?